Well, today’s my birthday. I am now officially late-twenties. I expected late-twenties to look differently … but not necessarily better.

In the spirit of a new year/age, I’m going to try this writing thing again. I’ve missed you guys.


One of my phone’s apps is where I can read my horoscope or draw tarot cards. Today, I drew the Love Death card. Oh, Silly Tarot, you’re so redundant.

A present from my ‘Olly cousin: ‘Bam in magnet form. He lives on my fridge, and sometimes, like when changing his outfit, I take the opportunity to talk to him about his presidency. Constructive stuff, of course. Like how he needs to stop spending so much money. I think he appreciates the advice.

As I sat crouched over the toilet, vomiting repeatedly, I worried not about my head pain, the partial blindness, or the numbness on my left side, but rather: dammit, if I knew this was going to happen, I would’ve had brownies for breakfast.

9p: After class I park my car at a friend’s apartment in Uptown. We walk to Uptown bars and have a few cocktails. It’s raining.
1:55a: Bar closes. She goes home; I walk to a different friend’s house. Flip-flop strap breaks. Walk drunk and partially shoed in rain. See lone man walking in deserted streets as he calls to me: “Don’t get arrested! It’s bad!” Nod at wise words (the man has a point); take man’s advice and save law-breaking for another day.
2:21a: Reach my destination, Loring Park Neighborhood; regale Friend with tales of my evening’s adventures; fall asleep.
7:20a: Friend agrees to drive me to my car to save me from a 50-minute walk
7:35a: Arrive at my car. Do not have keys.
7:54a: Drop off Friend at his job Downtown; take his car to Suburbs.
8:28a: Arrive in Suburbs, pick up spare key, leave for Uptown. Require work laptop in my car’s trunk for Work-At-Home Fridays.
8:59a: Arrive in Uptown at my car. Original keys are not locked inside, still at large. Original keys have the keychain to bypass work’s firewall. Cannot WAH without keychain. Phone dies, rain starts.
9:20a: Give up search of Uptown streets and car interior.
10:01a: Back in the Suburbs. Call boss. Explain situation. She laughs (I love my boss) when I basically have to confess to being a drunk (“I was out last night …”) and a whore (“This morning, my friend let me use his car …”).
10:20a: Finish getting ready for office; curse self knowing showerless WAHing could’ve been an option.
10:23a: Find temporarily misplaced spare key. Crown self Queen Dumbass. Consider wearing tiara, decide against it.
11:05a: Arrive at work. Start day.

5p: Leave work. Park car in Loring Neighborhood. Walk 50 minutes to Uptown. Weather forecast: Thunderstorms.
6p: Arrive at Friend’s car. Drive back to his apartment (He left at lunch for a weekend in Texas, which is why he can’t come with me to make the car pick-up).

7p: Drive home to Suburbs. Nap. Live life without keys.

I fell asleep last night eating cheesy popcorn in bed. The best part is that when I woke up at 4am, rolled over, I was delighted by my bed partner. OH hello delicious snackfood, a few handfuls? Don’t mind if I do. This is what my life has turned into.

I have learned the secret of life –and its name is three-day-benders-of-pizza-and-beer. You’re welcome.

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