Him: Hey baby, did you leave an empty bottle of wine outside my building on Saturday?

Me: Yeah, that was me and [other guy friend] before meeting you at the bar – we took pulls because we are classy like that.

Him: What are you doing tonight? Wanna walk and then bax me? I’m in dire need so you’ll prolly get to hurt me more than usual or make me bleed.

Me: I was just thinking about you and how you were probably hairy. Aww, I know your hair schedule … I’m not sure about tonight, I need to clean because I have plans the rest of the week and I still need to take care of some things …

Him: The only thing you need to clean is my back hair and no you don’t have plans the rest of the week, [Firefighter] isn’t coming in until Friday so that gives you plenty of time to not eat or whatever you are doing to prepare.