This morning at the gas station, I parked the car too far from the nozzle. But it was morning and whatever, I’m lazy and the hose stretched. In the obvious procession of this story, I proceeded to fill up my tank. I then remembered that I had some trash in my car (my car is my second home), so I go to step over the gas hose, as I often do, not thinking that most sane people would walk around such an obstacle.

As I was performing my ever-graceful step-over move, my shoe became caught on the hose, causing the damn thing to be knocked out of my car’s tank. One would think that having the nozzle clatter to the ground would stop the gas or something. But no. Just kept right on spraying. As I stared at it like an asshole. Oh, ho-hum, that’s no good, fuck it comes out fast, etc etc. You know, general dumbshit observations while wasting nonrenewable, expensive resources.

When a small pond befitting a nice mallard family had formed around my car, I finally had the sense to reach down and turn off the damn thing.

My first thought was, “Hmm, I wonder if I am going to explode when I turn the car on.” Tilting my head to the side in puzzlement as I thought about this (because sometimes I am a caricature of myself), I concluded, “Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

Turn key, start car.

No explosion.

I arrived at work shortly thereafter with a strong perfume aura permeating from the knees down, so I told my gas-station story as an apologetic explanation. To which my boss said, “So what did you tell the gas station attendant?”

Hmm. Logical question. One that I should have thought TO LIE ABOUT when asked by MY BOSS.

“I paid at the pump, yo. I just left.”

He looks at me like I am retarded, which, at this point, who would bet against such an opinion. “You destroyed a gas station and fled the scene?”


In my first smart move of the morning, I didn’t argue over the semantics of destroyed or fled scene; instead, as a brilliant diversionary tactic, I asked if we were still meeting later to discuss a possible salary raise.