On one of my favorite websites, when life seems to be in a funk, the economy is shit, natural disasters are domino-ing, etc., the authors bring back two reoccurring characters, reminding readers of our collective purpose. To fug. Now, while I don’t have PELDONS or a collective purpose, I do have some worthless reoccurring characters that accurately illustrate the epitome of my blog’s insipid triviality. Thought this little blurb in particular might spark an old chord. I’ll catch up with new life details later; after such long absence, I thought a warm-up post would best prevent any muscle strain.

Last night ‘round 2am when all others has long-since abandoned various Internet social-networking services, The Realtor and I were talking, something we haven’t done for months –not since he closed on his house and we spent an hour lying on his bed–catching up on life. Even though he’s still with the girl but “on the brink of ending it”, as per usual, he still turned the conversation to what went wrong with us – us as in “us”, as in a joint entity, as apparently our imaginary relationship was deep enough to justify a shared pronoun.

Him: “Seriously though, you were way too good for me. And then you would’ve cheated on me or made me insecure or break my heart or something.”

Me: “Yes, blame me for some nonexistent problem that never happened.”

Him: “So I had to bounce. Welp. What can I say? I’m pouring my heart out over here. You knew. You knew all about it –“

Me: “No, buddy, you knew and you never stepped up and –”

Him: “-like at first sight. It was like at first sight.”

First sight. He’s always said this with me. With us. Especially after his mom contributed her The One premonition. But for all his talk, he didn’t want me. End of story.

Me: “-because why again? I am too normal? Isn’t that what you told me during our last text conversation when you were trying to convince me that you “could’ve closed the deal” and I said, ‘then why didn’t you?’ and you responded with, ‘because you’re too normal.’ Isn’t that how it went down?”

Him: “You’re just too good. I like to stay protected.”

Me: “And don’t say ‘like at first sight’ – I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe in romantic bullshit like yourself.”

Him: “Why not? You so know it was true. You. So. Know. Electric, remember? And I’m not talking about ‘romantic bullshit’, I’m talking about tangible feelings that can’t be disputed.”

Me: “First sight = romantic bullshit.”

Him: “And …? You felt it, too. That’s all I’m saying. And if you don’t wanna say it was ‘like at first sight’ … we can at least say it was something intense. That’s all. Uncomfortably intense. Everyone saw it.”

I think everyone typically calls that lust.

Me: “Whatever – most of that was just build-up since nothing came to fruition. Everything was repressed and then felt like more than it was. Bam. Explanation.”

Him: “I’m not talking about build-up, I’m talking immediate. Instant. First sight. You may be right about the build-up part of our dynamic – it’s absolutely possible – I’m just saying that the second we began interacting, there was a very, very strong attraction. More than normal. More than I had before experienced. That’s all. And maybe I am being grandiose when I say that I am confident that the same thing happened to you.”

Again, that’s lust, not anything more romantic. And why is this still discussed after all this time?

Me: “Don’t really know man, maybe. That’s all I’ll concede.”

Truthfully, at the time, I had been attracted to him but figured it was mostly due to a high-association to my ex. I am creepy. Regardless, he’s right in that something was there from the start. Maybe it was him. Maybe it wasn’t.

Him: “Really? So you admit it? Wow. I won. I actually just won a debate with the infamous Molly Elizabeth. I won. I won. I WON. And it feels great.”

Me: “Fucking hell, I forget how annoying you are.”

Him: “You love it. I forget how much I love rocking your little boat.”

Me: “You do not rock my little boat.”

Him: “Mmm hmmm. Riiiiight. Hows your love life?”

Oh, you know, I’m still single and alone; even my brother has commented that my single status is incredibly unhealthy, which was just super to hear; life is pretty awesome. Almost as awesome as a pair of PELDONS which by anyone’s standards is pretty difficult to top … Or, ok, maybe I didn’t say that, instead choosing to evade answers regarding my love life, implying that things were good and that I was soon taking a trip with a guy, a trip which will involve both beaches and monkeys.

Please excuse my inability to enunciate, but why the eff is this still like, a thing and not done? Why haven’t we been able to have one conversation that doesn’t regurgitate our imaginary relationship? WE NEVER DATED. WE WERE NOTHING. Fucking hell.

Updates with actual purpose tomorrow. I’ve missed you guys.

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