Dear Boy I Used to Like,

I used to like you.

You used to make me smile and tease me that we would be good together. I used to believe it.

I don’t believe that anymore. We want different things. I want a guy that makes me smile and you, apparently, want someone so superficial that her Christmas presents include tanning sessions and hair extensions. Even though fake hair made her happy, the purchase enabled her superficiality and behavior. You supported fakeness. I don’t care if you did have the common sense to sound embarrassed when you confessed these details, you still are not the person whom I thought you were, nor someone with whom I could ever see myself. This tells me that you are the type of person that might “hint” at breast implants. If we would date, my confidence level would decline due to the influence of your vastly contrasting values.

Furthermore, I find it pathetic that your Facebook profile picture is now a couples shot with her face as three-fourths of the frame. And yes, I realize from the wall postings that you two are very much “in love” but I have learned it is possible to love someone while maintaining your own identity. Taking up more space than the picture’s northeast corner would illustrate a healthy start. Also, if your amour is so all-consuming, then stop asking me to make-out. Even though you’re bluffing, it is still inappropriate. Learn how to be friends with a girl or stop the communication.

I am happy to know these details about you, however, as I find it a redeeming sort of closure.

I hope you two have a thoroughly insecure life together.

Sincerely Unlike Truly,


PS: Also, please stop inviting me to hang out with you and your girlfriend. I am not interested and would find it awkward as all hell. You should have the decency to realize that.