I’m embarrassed to admit that we exchanged texts over a three-hour timespan last night. Ok, maybe it was more like four. And a half. (Here, I’ll respond for you: what the hell, Molly, get some self-respect.) I don’t even have a way to rationalize this behavior to you. Yes, I realize I should sever all contact and spend needless energy being mad/bitter/frustrated and in the meantime find someone new but … oh, how to put this … he makes me smile. And I like that about him.

Our conversation covered many topics, including an apology for his “insanity and strangeness”, more proclamations about his love-at-first-sight bullshit theory, and finally ending the evening with the ever-exasperating, “I wish I wasn’t so dumb. We’d be so cute together.” Four hours of his pseudo-sweet remarks and four hours of my firing blunt insults in return. The adjective “douchey” was (fittingly) used six times. The banter does make me smile, but I always feel like I am missing the majority of his picture. To compensate, I attempted to get a second opinion.

Outsourced opinions often vocalize what a person doesn’t have the balls to say themselves (usually prefaced with, “My Best Friend thinks …” or “My parents were wondering why …”), which is all a ruse to use a scapegoat to gain further insight. Since I don’t know his friends but wanted to hear an opinion from someone within his circle, I asked about his parents, whom I’ve never met, keep in mind. Basically, I just wanted to hear what he’d say.

“Your mother is going to be so disappointed in you when she finds out you lost me.”

“I know, both my parents will be. They never saw me so fucked up over a girl. Even they felt our imaginary sparks. Mistaken chemistry I guess.”

“Did you tell them about our break-up?”

“Haha, not yet. I haven’t said anything except when they ask about you. They’ll say, ‘how’re things progressing with Molly?’ and I say, ‘they’re not’ and they say, ‘awwww.’”

Well, fucking hell, the ol’ outsourced-opinion trick told me nothing, just as I should have suspected, given his track record. Cute that they ask about me though. Too bad he acts too douchey to have any real potential. Maybe I should call the parents and explain that it’s not me, it’s him.