I don’t remember who started the texting, probably me and probably something appropriately passive aggressive. He turned the texting into another break-up conversation but this time teasing, asking me take him back and to forgive that he cheated on me. I said that to get back together would be pointless, as my needs weren’t being fulfilled while in the relationship. He agreed, saying that he wished we would have talked about this before it was too late, that our communication skills were in need of work, but that sometimes space makes things become clearer. We went back-and-fourth with various relationship break-up clichés, with him recounting how I fell in love at first sight (blah blah) and with me proclaiming my excitement for vengeful rebounds (“Do you have any cute friends with whom it would cause you pain to see me?”) He hoped that his texting wasn’t making the break-up too difficult, as he’s only ever wanted me to be happy.

Finally, with thoughts to abandon the game, I promised to leave him alone, as I was heading to bed and he needed to concentrate on his card game.

“Really? Noooo … I like our happy banter. You make me happy for some reason.”

Um, seriously? Seriously. Are you kidding. I had to then tell him that although I have a decently high tolerance for dumb people, the Internet most definitely DOES NOT and collectively, we’ve concluded, OH MY FREAKING LORD, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER; WE ARE ALL BEYOND IRRITATED. I don’t think the message registered.

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