During my crazy phase, I called The Kid only at night. I would valiantly think and think while lying in bed, trying desperately to come up with an excuse to call. If he answered, which was a rarity, I knew he was sleeping alone, and I would have my answer. Self-inflicted torture. But I was crazy and lonely and scared and, fuck, hurting so damn much.

He’s the one that calls at night now. I don’t answer. Sometimes, I am legitimately busy; other times, I deliberately screen. When I return the call during daylight hours, it is unavoidably awkward. Pre-approved topics of conversation include: work, family, some of his school, some of our friends, and the weather. That’s it. Anything potentially circling the radius of unsafe topics must be evaded at all costs. For instance. He will not ask about weekend activities for fear I will say “I spent the weekend having sex with my boyfriend.” Instead, he will say “Did you have a good weekend?” And I will answer, “Yes.” End topic. Next. And then we run out of things to say since there are all of five subjects. His logic is that I should filter my agenda and tell him harmless topics on my own. Which I don’t do. Partially because I am stubborn and partially because the conversation gets old without any active listening or follow-up questions. Polite small talk with a stranger … except for those few times where the conversation has been really good and it makes me miss him. And that’s almost worse. On the whole, it’s frustrating and I honestly don’t know why he wants to continue the farce of talking,

I also don’t understand the point of this excessive filtering. He had a girlfriend, he didn’t want to be with me, and my dating situation should be the last thing that bothers him. Our situation … I am really over it. It happened. It’s done. I’ve reached acceptance. Yes, he didn’t want to be with me, and yes, it hurt. Hurt a lot. He wanted to be with her and great; sorry it didn’t work out, but it happened. She was his choice and a big part of his life; it sucked that I wasn’t his choice, and it sucked that he played me, but that’s life and I’ve moved on. And yes, sometimes, I still take my immature jabs at him, but not because I am trying to hurt him, mostly because I am trying to get a reaction. Mostly because …the oddest thing … he pretends that she doesn’t exist.

It’s … peculiar.

He’s done it since the beginning; he’ll hang up on me if I imply her existence. The more he does this, the more I want to make him acknowledge her. Yes, it’s awkward but shouldn’t it be better to embrace the awkwardness? I am still not healthy enough to hear details about their lives together but she still happened.

Yesterday, he mentioned her. Her as literally that’s what we both call her. Her car was stolen and stripped for parts, and he thought it would amuse me. And it did, but what was more amusing is that he mentioned her to me. He even answered a few questions about her. He said that no, they are not on speaking terms, he learned the information from his roommate and yes, when she does start dating someone new it’s going to be very difficult for him.

And then he exploded into his “I don’t know why you keep bringing her up” rant.

It’s more than slightly fucked up. With his tense reaction, it’s obvious there’s still a lot of emotion there. He’s still hurting. A lot. Possibly because she dumped him. Or maybe she’s too painful a topic to discuss (not that I want to discuss her, but it’s weird that any implication is too much). Or maybe he keeps her quiet out of habit. He hid me from her and her from me. During their relationship, I was a secret because if she knew we were talking –much less sending marriage proposals and apologies for fucking things up– she would be done. And maybe I am jealous that he is still so obviously hurting from her when he barely mourned me. But then shouldn’t he ok with talking about my life? He’s over me, has been for a while, why are things so awkward? Why does he call at night? I just don’t get it.

Either way, it’s odd. But then, given our fucked-up history and drama-filled break-up, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by odd. He surprises me but only because I used to know him so well and right now, I really have no idea what is going on in that head of his. Like if Dali made puzzles. I would have no idea as to the motivation behind which pieces belonged where. The clocks are supposed to melt? And the church belongs on the elephant’s back? What the hell is going on? I AM SO CONFUSED.

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