When they broke up, we starting talking. Not often and not verbally but the communication channel was wider than it had been in quite a while. As he was the one to always initiate the contact, I even convinced myself that it was ok. I knew it wasn’t healthy, I knew it was wrong. I knew there was nothing that would remedy our relationship but it wasn’t about that. It was talking. What’s safer than an entire COUNTRY between us? I was weak. And maybe I liked the opportunity to talk about my life being on the right path because look how balanced and stable and happy I am! Fiddle dee dee! I am so totally over you and well-adjusted!
I had severe misgivings about their break-up. She broke up with him, meaning that he would still be with her if the choice were up to him. It hurt. The one stipulation regarding our talking was that I wanted him to tell me when they got back together. Breaks are rarely clean and if they were still having their 2am booty calls or back-and-fourth reunions, I wanted to know to keep my distance. A protective measure for my heart. I would always rather know the truth. Even when it hurts. He promised to let me know even though he didn’t see it happening; besides, without her, he was “happier than [he has] been in a long time.”
I liked the control, the power, liked always being the first to leave a conversation or to screen midnight texts. When we talked, I felt validated because I could talk to him and recognize his flaws. I felt reassured that it was a good thing –nay, a fucking WONDERFUL thing –that we weren’t together. He never met my needs. He was lacking. He needed a lot of work. LA DEE DAH I am OVER him.
At least that’s what I told myself.
Plus, he wasn’t with her; no harm, no foul.
I found out today that they got back together five days after their original break-up. She dumped him again just this past Sunday. It was all a lie. He had been texting me comments, sometimes sweet sometimes suggestive, all throughout February. And had gone back to calling me Love. He called me on Sunday night, and when I didn’t answer, he called again on Monday night. He called on the same fucking day that she dumped him … and under false pretenses; really, he was just upset over their relationship.
I feel betrayed and I don’t have the right to. His love life is none of my business. I guess, once again, I trusted his word because I thought he was the person I knew, not the person he has become. I hate how much it still hurts. I don’t remember the last time I cried over him, and I did today. (At work. Sweet.) The pain is supposed to be gone; I tell myself that I am healed, goddammit. How is there still pain in the reservoir? It should have been bled dry months and months ago for fuck’s sake.
Why do I still care? Why am I still surprised? Why, when I hear this, do I break out in a cold sweat and regain the perpetual nausea that cursed me for five months? He is not even that fucking great. How can he still do this to me? I wasn’t telling myself that it was something that it wasn’t, but I liked knowing that maybe his life, and getting over me, was a struggle, too.
I worry that it digs into my self-worth. That I interpret this situation to mean I am easily replaceable. I can’t find someone better than him but he so easily found someone better than me … and I don’t think I’m not strong enough to continue down this questionable line of thought, so … moving on …
Please, no comments on him being a bastard –that will only twist the knife, a reflection of my choices and stupidity. What was the phrase my great-aunt used to say? Fooled me once: shame on you; fooled me twice: shame on me. I get it, he sucks. But it still hurts.
February 28, 2008 at 2:25 pm
A person that goes back to someone even if they know for a fact that they are happier without them, is, in my book, completely messed up. She’s not better than you, she just fits better with him and his messed up world. You should be thankful you don’t.
Now stop talking to him already. Have you ever heard of the phrase “going cold turkey”? Just a suggestion.
February 28, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Don’t beat yourself up, Molly. Best thing would be NO CONTACT. At all. Period. Its really the only thing that has worked for me in these situations. And that means not asking his friends about him, either. Nothing says “I’M DONE” better than not engaging.
February 28, 2008 at 7:31 pm
fuck it. fuck it all! okay, not really, but i’m not going to repeat what they’ve said and what you already know. oh, except for this part now where i tell you that you’re awesome. ready for it? you’re awesome.
February 28, 2008 at 8:35 pm
I do admire your ability to keep loving and keep caring even when you see him and the situation as flawed. Sure it hurts but most of us are too scared and put up the barriers. That’s why I also agree with irishgirl – time for some distance.
And you don’t need someone to ‘replace’ him. You need someone who takes your breath away and eclipses every memory of him. It’s pretty clear from his behaviour that you haven’t been eclipsed
February 29, 2008 at 11:00 am
I know, I know. You are ALL right. I know what I need to do which is why I didn’t say anything about the situation before now. I do enough internal reprimanding for all of us. But I honestly thought I was ok with occasional texting/IMing (must have temporarily forgotten how irrational I tend to be) even though I recognized it as unhealthy.
But thanks, all of you, for putting up with my irrational bullshit and for your positive reinforcement.