Although the late-night frequency comes in a close second, the verb tense is what annoys me most about his texts. He writes, “Would you ever be mine?” and “Would you take me back?”

Would. Not will.  Only once he has used how.

His expectation of a response leaves me befuddled. Because what, am I supposed to say yes and then maybe he will start being good enough for me? Am I supposed to give an inkling of forgiveness based on some text? Fall at his feet in gratitude? For considering to try to be good enough? Don’t do me any goddamn favors. As much as he talks, that’s really all he is. He won’t actually take action –not that I want him to –so to listen to his talk is tiring. Each time he went to sleep next to her, each time he screened my call, each time he told me to get over it, the pieces of my heart shattered a little more. And while some people have the dedication to sit and diligently glue shards, he does not. He does not want to take action; he just wants to play me. And it is complete bullshit.

I respond with everything I can to deflect him, my armor fully intact, reminding him of his choices.

“I don’t do second place” “You didn’t pick me” “Ask your girlfriend to marry you”

Although I have not (but nearly!) gotten to where I can say never –never sounds so harsh –I have gotten to a place where I am honestly ok. I don’t cry anymore. I plan for the future. I am excited about my quotas (and no, I have not actually met any of them, but that is IRRELEVANT, I like having them there, an optimistic insight of stories to come).

I am at a healthy place.

One thing I learned through all of this is that I would rather be happy by myself than be unhappy with someone. Did he make me unhappy at the time? No. But I also do not think he recognized my greatness. I mean, I am pretty great. Pretty freaking fantastic, in my (slightly biased) opinion. And given the choice between someone who doesn’t recognize my greatness and the possibility of someone waiting in the vast unknown, I am going to choose the latter every time. Even if he doesn’t exist, the possibility is enough.

I recently received an email from a friend, my bitter twin, who went through a similar breakup this summer. She wrote,

What’s with [The Kid] these days? Obviously I know nothing since your last email so you have to fill me in! I’m waiting for the day when you will tell me he moved to Minnesota or you are moving to his state…I hope that day doesn’t come. You deserve better and you know that. No matter how bitter you and I may have been this summer, I think we both know that; it’s just hard to let go though.

I do deserve better, and it was wonderful to hear that validation.  That reminder of who I am and what I should expect from someone.   I am not one to compromise or settle.  Ironically, he was the one that pushed me to this healthy place. He got what he wanted, and I got what I wanted –I like this place; I like being happy and having hope for the future.

(Are you sick of hearing about The Kid From Boston’s bullshit? Yeah, me too. I do need to do some back-story on him but I’ll save that for later – I feel like I should have written Tune in Next Week! Ha, sad case.)

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