So I am a little overemotional today.  A little. 

Ok, maybe a lot. 

I started crying at my desk today for no reason more than I just miss The Kid.  Again.  And the silent tears wouldn’t stop, they still, two hours later, keep rollin’ on down. 

I was never a crier, goddammit.  He always cried more than I did.  I don’t cry. 

I was the strong one.  Not the pathetic one.

I still feel so betrayed.   And his contradictions do not make it easier.  In last week’s conversation, he said, “I am still in love with you” and this last one, two minutes ago, he lectured about how unhealthy I am to hold on to something.  I am not holding on, I am mourning.  There’s a difference. 

I am starting to believe that maybe our entire relationship was a lie.  All six years of it.  The words exchanged and the hopes promised were all just lies. 

And I know I deserve better, I know he is not worth it.  At all.  He made his choice and it wasn’t me –regardless of his myriad of platitudes, he found someone else.  And actions are really the only things that matter.

I’ll find someone better. 

But I don’t think I believe in love anymore.  And I hate that that’s who I have turned into.

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